You will never really fall in love

this girl...

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 19:06:44 GMT

i think people expected us to get along, actually, they expected us to be friends. we just don't mesh. there are days when i feel she's so nice to me, and days when her tone of voice seems to say "get away from my friends, you don't belong here".

so should i leave?

sorry to be so demanding...

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 23:12:03 GMT

so i would really love a new mix CD if anyone has free time on their hands (if that's even possible). as many of you know, and a good bunch of you don't know, i don't actually listen to that much music, i kind of just hear people talking about bands and start listening to them mainly if someone burns me a CD or i happen to have to money. anyway, i'm running out of music, my last source being ocomogosiay from last year!!! that's a while back.
any help would be much appreciated.
and yes, i am still depressed about valentine's day mainly because at least one day out of the week i am surrounded by girls two years younger than me who have had boy friends on and off for about two years--great. not to mention the fact that one of them decided to lower her standards (when it comes to guys) because she hasn't had a boyfriend for about two months. *gasp*. i haven't had a boyfriend in, o i don't know, wait! i've never had a boyfriend.
that is why i get depressed around this time of year, because i have never had a boyfriend.
i guess a crush really is someone that nothing happens with--hence, you are crushed--life is too depressing.

LO
VE

you will never really fall in love because of that piece of lego missing from your heart

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 03:51:51 GMT

soon another valentines day will pass, and as usual, it will be depressing.

as the class of '08 likes to say: EPIC!

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 03:51:26 GMT

today was epic beyond belief, let me just ramble:
(maybe backwards would be best)

post mattress huggings and good jobs. mattress post intermission. snow fight during intermission part II. talking. snow fight during intermission part one. slipping and falling. mattress pre intermission. pre mattress line waiting with sorrento's pizza and starbucks frappucinos (which for once did not remind me of CTY). the llama. getting the usher's crowns. helping decorate for mattress. quiet commons. crushes. babushkas. ipod nanos. unknown. getting drinks. chem. speedball. blank check and various topics from lunch. seventeen magazine. "this is ridiculous". preferiria. tents and various other topics from math. mike talking like he's ghetto (or fake ghetto) or basically making wierd noises. and back on the topic of sex in english.

MATTRESS WAS AMAZING. everyone in it was amazing, tonight was amazing!

chem lab lesson of the day:

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 20:38:22 GMT

if you read and follow the directions, the lab will take half the time because you won't have to go back and redo things.

i believe this is the beginning of something great.

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 00:22:24 GMT

too bad it could self destruct in so many ways.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 21:10:04 GMT

thought i should let everybody know that emo-Tammy ended probably on Wednesday and normal tammy just hasn't had time to update.
i am so happy right now, and i don't know why!

Shock me shock me shock me

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 23:19:23 GMT

I was so happy, I thought I was finally over it.
I was so proud of myself, I thought I was finally done with you.
Well, that was all a lie.
I now see that you will always be in the back of my mind,
ready to pop up at the most unnecessary moment.

I guess my love for you
is more deeply etched in my brain
than even my own name.

you know it's bad when...

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 20:08:34 GMT

i start listening to simon & milo. admittedly some of the worst music ever created, but it makes me happy when i'm down. and i am down.

health youth risk survey

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 20:18:17 GMT

i hate these surveys, honestly, they almost always ruin my day. every year we take these i get the same things out of it:
1. i'm overweight
2. i'm lazy
3. i have no life

on the brighter side, i didn't fail my c-prog test and my program is working--oh wait, this makes me a nerd on top of everything else.

lets try it again--on the brighter side, i love my dreams, they're very interesting. so basically, i live the life that i don't really have in my dreams. lovely.

ehh. keeping up with the updates, as boring as they are.

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 23:02:17 GMT

English was immensely lame today, i think everyone is already ready for the weekend. steege was out though, on the day i wear my APUSH sweatshirt. i think emily and esther were angry at me for wearing on a day that we didn't have a test, but i thought it was fair, since we got them this week, that we can wear them this week. especially since our next test is in like two weeks.
math was pretty lame today, both gayathri and phil were out, so it was kind of quiet. i talked to lindsay a lot and ayoob, who, as usual, makes a fool of himself, but at least he's amusing. it was actually fun, mainly because ayoob made a fool of himself.
spanish, the beginning was fun. i love it when he makes little things on the computer for us to do...so much fun, it's like a gameshow every time, but then once they're over i tend to zone out. i really should try to focus more, i feel kind of bad sometimes.
cprog, NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE TEACHER WHEN YOU DON"T KNOW THE ANSWER TO A QUESTION, because they'll ask you what the answer is. great, made that mistake today. w.e. hopefully i'll do well on the test tomorrow. only three more weeks of this class to go and then i can push it out of my memory until i contemplate taking java next year (hopefully, i won't)
lunch, can't go wrong. ghetto thursday from now on every thursday someone bring in speakers and we'll listen to rap in different languages. i LOVE our lunch table, we're all so us at that table. i feel so comfortable with the people there, like i don't have to be fake or anything to fit it, it's really nice.
7th free, again, gayathri wasn't in school today, it made me very sad actually. but i sat with diane and louisa and steph and we talked for a bit and then steph and i walked around (as we usually do when gayathri isn't around) and steph kind of spilled, and i feel really bad for her and wish i could help, but i'm not asian so i don't know how much i could help.
chem was actually fun again, wasn't as uninteresting as it usually is, but i enjoy sitting in the back with tim and not having any clue what she's saying half the time. nothing particularly funny happened though. everyone was pretty quiet except for the beginning of class when tim and evan had their little question dispute. love that class.

well that is all. for now i am big, happy, green and my sweatshirt seems to make me suicidal.

LO
VE

6th period

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 20:45:55 GMT

so basically my lunch table is amazing and even though it hurt me immensely to laugh today (because of the migraine that i have had on and off since saturday) i had soooo much fun.

basically: scones among cupcakes, sparkle boy, big ben (wallace), heya, sherlockya
and more variations of such thing! (I feel terrible for not remembeing all of it) SO MUCH FUN.

back to school...

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 23:20:12 GMT

going back to school refreshed many things that i had forgotten:

1. i'm slightly better rested now, and at the moment more enthusiastic to participate in class, well, at least today.
2. APUSH sweatshirts make APUSH livable as do the people that i talk to in that class.
3. math makes my life happy, unless we have a quiz or test, mainly because the people i sit next to are extemely funny and random.
4. spanish is bad in subject and good in class and teacher for we are random and proud of it. also, my class tends to be quite hilariously bored like when we decided to write an entire story (fill out an entire worksheet) with a story about milk (in spanish nontheless)
5. c programming reminds me how nerdy i am, but since i don't get half the math jokes i know that i'm the least nerdy in the class (i mean, honestly, when a teacher writes 5, 12 on the board, i don't think 13. Marshall had to explain to me why the rest of the class thought thirteen...remind me why i'm in there again!)
6. ohhh, lunch. yet again, very random but funny, constantly squished and very much uncomfortable with even the smallest change in location. a bee, a bear, a bell, JAPAN!
7. hmm, cappucino and friends...couldn't get more relaxing except for i'm constantly brought back to the fact that they now know who i like, this too shall pass, or wear off. seriously though, 7th period free is the thing i wait for all the time.
8. the randomest of all people come together to make a fun and unforgettable class that i wish i could have again next year, but know that i can't since all the seniors are leaving. rohan died his hair pink, but it turned red ( i think that pretty much depicts the overall mood of 8th period AP chem)

highs:
i spoke in english today, twice, both without being forced to by my teacher. got APUSH sweatshirts and gave presents to people. laughed at gayathri who likes to draw thetas during her free time. basically predicted the end of the world. didn't get a nerdy math joke in my c prog class. gave out more chocolate and laughed with some friends. drank cappucino and laughed with some more friends. carried around a huge bag that said "CONTAIN YOURSELF" on it.

lows:
when i handed mr. dion his present and said "happy new years" he looked at it and said "thank you, i didn't think that i would smile today, but now i can" and i basically cried. he always seems like the saddest man alive to me.

one of those strange happenings

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:27:00 GMT

to all my massachusetts friends. i apologize for the absence of the white in a white christmas.
i am happy to say, however, that ironically enough it snowed in jerusalem today. that's right, it snowed in jerusalem before it did in boston. ODD. well, it kind of made my day. tomorrow, while my mom is doing something serious, i will be playing in the snow!

presents

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 06:13:21 GMT

so i went shopping with my mom yesterday in downtown jerusalem, by far one of my favorite places to be in worldwide. best bargains ever. i bought like seven or eight nice pairs of earings for like 20 bucks and they're really pretty. i'll probably keep a bunch of them for myself.
i would also like to apologize ahead of time if you don't like your present, again my mom was involved so some of the things i find really ugly, but maybe you won't. either way, everyone will be getting a yummy piece of chocolate with their present which will make up for everything.
after shopping we went to eat lunch at Ramat Eshkol and we got a parking ticket, apparently you need to pay to park there now (this wasn't true 6 months ago when we were last here). whatever, we had fun. I love the animals that roam the streets of israel, they're soooooo cute.

shouldn't vacation be a happy time?!

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 06:14:17 GMT

well I'm in israel, and i must say that my niece and nephew are extremely cute.

still, after going on facebook, i cannot help but be depressed:
1. of course, there are all the pictures from Medini's party and i can't help but think that i would have had a great time, i mean everyone else did.
2. i realize that no one posts on my wall continuously. basically even though it seems like i have a ton of friends, none of them talk to me. and i realize, i'm not there, i'm really far away, but i can't help it, it makes me sad that no one seems to really talk to me.
3. i see other people's posts from people who i thought were good friends and were just not posting because they're never on, but if they have time to post on other people's walls...
4. please don't take any of this seriously or personally, this trip is pretty rough.
5. i wish i could just find my place in the world (both physically and not)

ok, now that i'm done being depressing/depressed i'm leaving. anyone notice that me being friendless is a recurring theme? too bad i know i have friends. i'm such a messed up person.

prior to vacation

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 20:58:05 GMT

i have made a new pact with myself...i am doing no more work until after vacation.

well, that's the plan anyway. of course, i'm a loser and an overachiever and i suck and so i will do every single piece of homework assigned to me because i want to get into a good college and i am a nerd. but at least i know all of this and am not trying to fool myself.

i did some terrible things today which i feel terrible about.
i acted like those people whom i hate the most: you know the ones that are unhappy with anything below a 90. DAMN ME. i'm terrible, and i apologize for it. but more than anything, i hate myself for acting like that. i really do.
i mean, i acted like the people who annoy me the most, and then i felt so bad about what i did that i actually apologized because i felt terrible.
i also, as usual, was lazy and did not go to get mr. donovan to sign my form so i could have senior privileges, maybe tomorrow.
i also left diane all alone in the caf and went and walked around with steph which was just purely tiring.

i have lost any amount of energy that i've ever had. i don't think i've ever been this tired for such a long period of time. even coffee doesn't do anything anymore. vacation needs to start like today. i think all my teachers are tired too. i mean, i think Anthony looks like she's going to collapse at any given moment. murphree brought out her xmas sweaters (HA! and people think that baumritter's sweatervests were funny). Davis was actually hilarious today, he's like soo cute in an old man grandfatherly kind of way. dion kind of depresses me because if i were him i would most likely be depressed. he used the word implore today. what is it with math teachers and huge vocabularies?

LO
VE

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 12:34:12 GMT

tonight i shall post a happy entry, unless something terrible happens, but hopefully it won't. I'm trying this optimistic thing out for a day.

*edit*
i think i'm much happier/cheerful at camp because i am so ignorant of those things that usually worry me when i'm at home, and as they say, igorance is bliss.

substantial entry time...

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 03:46:22 GMT

too bad there's not much to say.

some highlights:
basically chem made my day. we had to go out, it was 25 degrees out (aka -4 degress C) and get water, poor steph had to like dip her hand in 4 degree C water for a while, i only dipped mine in for a sec to wash off some 12M base. it was freezing. but i guess we kind of bonded in a sense, the three of us freezing cold together. it was truly fun.

lowlight:
does the fact i can't draw a perfect heart mean something?

i hate feeling forgotten and after talking to Diane about Beaverton yesterday, i decided to look back. Oregon never made me feel forgotten, i still talk to Kim, she talks to me. Arizona kills me though. My favorite place in the whole world and the person i thought was my best friend long ago seems to have totally thrown me out of her lfe. i mean, yea, i moved away, but i came to visit. sure, i stopped visiting after a while, but she never came to visit me. i think i might try to talk to andrew, he talks to me once in a while. it's just such a crap ass feeling to feel like you remember these people but they totally forgot that you exist. i wish i was better at keeping in touch, but i always figured that it's easier to sever a friendship than it is to keep it going. and she seemed to agree. i can't forget all the people that do talk to me every once in a while. all those nice messages i get that say "hey, haven't talked to you in a while and wanted to see how you've been doing."
i guess i'm having a pretty hard day in that sense. all my self realizations. i am obsessed with moving, it is my easy out. i just want to get away.
maybe i'll disappear for the weekend.

LO
VE

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 01:40:58 GMT

today was cold. in more than one way.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 23:21:57 GMT

the moon is so beautiful tonight. seriously, if you haven't gone outside tonight, go. i might go take some night pictures...it's amazing

And to Think This Day Started Off so Good...

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 22:59:41 GMT

so last night i went to sleep around 11:15 after talking to Josh for a bit, i haven't talked to him in a while. I was pretty cheerful. I woke up at 5:15 this morning, i don't know why, but i decided to spend 45 minutes sitting in bed and contemplating until my alarm went off. My dream was lovely, which always cheers me up, although i won't go into details because that not the purpose of this entry, and i want to contemplate it a bit more. I was very cheerful this morning. I had a very relaxed morning even though i ran a bit late. It was all wonderful until i got to the school library and it smelled like crap, and i wouldn't say that that smell ruined my day, but it was definitely something of a foreshadowing of things to come. i would like to make a quick disclaimer at this moment and explain that the three grades i got back today were fine, the grades were not what ruined my day, but rather the more important somewhat emotianal epiphany that came to be.
first and foremost, everything went wrong today. i'm pretty sure almost anyone i talked to today hates me, no, not everyone, but pretty close. Poetry friday was bad, and i don't mean the presentation, i mean the whole mood. everyone seemed pissed, everyone seemed dead, and everyone knew this was Anthony's favorite poem...not a good way to start off. History was actually pretty good, except for a few unusual things that i cannot really share the details of...maybe on some other occasion. it's math that really bombed my day. yes, i know, the class that almost always cheers me up, was the one that really killed it for me. Everything went wrong. I was pretty annoying, mean, and just obnoxious, i wasn't being myself. and then Dion got pissed, and Dion never gets pissed, but he did, and he like hit harsha and then harsha seemed soooo sad, and it was just bad. It wasn't my math class, it was some alien being, and don't care if you think i'm being ridiculous. what happened today in math, would not have happened if it were a normal day with my normal math class. the rest is completely pointless to go over. i mean honestly, my math class is usually amazing and cheerful, but today my math class seemed incredibly similar to the weather outside...cloudy and rainy.
well, here's the emotional epiphany: sorry if this seems a bit whiny: i wrote it in my personal journal, some things may be left out for my own purposes, it's also translated:
"The harsh truth is that i've walked myself into another annoyingly uncomfortable situation where i'm bound to get hurt. i feel like i'm in love with this guy, and i don't really care if i'm a teenager and i can't really be in love, for all i care, i'm in love in the teenage sense of the word. that seems to be the only way to describe it, i've fallen for him completely, and he wasn't even trying to make me fall for him, i'm just that lame. i mean, i know it's never going to happen, it's impossible if for no other reason than we're in highschool, and we belong to two different cliques, and it just won't happen. i mean, i feel like crap knowing myself and knowing that i'll keep hoping for something that i know won't come, i know i'll be crushed in the end. i mean, i'm pissed off at myself, i've already been through this once. I'm pretty sure this kid hates me because i've just been that annoying and obnoxious. I mean, i don't know what to do with myself, i mean, i feel completely lost (minus the fact that i've been through this a few times) and completely alone because i've never been comfortable telling anyone who i like (if i think it's ridiculous, what are they going to think?). I know, i walk through my like sulking half the time, i know it's terrible that i think that my life would be a hundred times better if i had a boyfriend, but i can't help it, that's just the way i am. i just want to feel somewhat loved in a sense, by someone other than family, or really good friends, i mean, i guess i imagine this grand relief and a totally different feeling with a boyfriend around, even though it's all very unlikely. well, today i was crushed because i'm pretty much one hundred percent sure that he likes some other girl and they're on the verge of going out and i won't stop feeling like this for probably two years because i've been building this up for like two months. i know it'll be another episode of zach. i mean, i'll obsess over this guy all year, and then we won't have any classes together next year, so we'll stop talking, but i'll keep obsessing over him, because i'm weird like that. i mean, i know that it all started from something that he said that i completely blew out of proportion, something that nobody else probably noticed, just like zach started from the idea that he had been flirting with me. i mean, i'm not going to lie, i was basically in love (again, in the teenage sense) with zach for two years, i spent two years doting on this guy, telling myself that i don't like him, hoping that he likes me, and knowing deep down that there was never a chance, but for some reason, i held on to the idea that he had been flirting with me, that he did like me. it's all going to happen again. i probably won't get over this guy until the summer before college. i'll probably spend a year and a half imagining how he'll awkwardly ask me out one day and then we'll become the cutest couple in my school. and i know that this is all insanity, but that's the way my mind works and i don't know why. i blow things out of proportion and hold on to them for two years, and then, i crash."

i know, i probably just lost an immense amount of the few friends that i have, but this needed to be said. sorry that i'm so sketchy,
love, Tammy

new background post

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 03:54:30 GMT

so, i love my new background and in its honor i would like to make a post.

the reasons why i'm looking forward to the next two months:
dec 7: book club meeting
dec 9: V for Vendetta movie night
dec 10: college colloquial, get to see josh
dec 15: hannukah starts, second favorite holiday of the year
dec 15: black and white bash that i probably won't go to but am excited for anyway
dec ?: get APUSH sweatshirts
dec 22: fly to israel
dec 31: new years, jess's party
jan 1: 2007!
jan15: crypto c reunion sleepover

SO EXCITED it's amazing. i'm really content right now, like beyond belief

Traumas of childhood...

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 04:47:02 GMT

more like a couple of years ago

well, some time ago, when my brother was once home visiting, we were sitting in the car (not that this was unusual) and the parents were being all serious in the front (my brother however was not, for once). From what i remember this was my father's car, aka cold and loud. Well, i suddenly got the hickups...

*hickup*
my brother and i crack up.
*holding breath*
"few, i think they're gone"
*hickup*
cracking up again.
"WILL YOU TWO STOP IT BACK THERE?!"
*hickup*
"umm, what?"
"your hickupping!"
"sure..."
*holding breath again*
*hickup*
-parents yelling at me to stop my childish ways-
*tears build up*
"it wasn't on purpose, i just have the hickups"
"oh, we thought you two were just joking"
-rest of the car ride spent in silence-

yea, so this has been traumatizing me for a while. it came back today when michal, eran, and i, along with the parents, were all sitting in the office and mom was ordering tickets for winter break. She had to call the people because the seat assignments weren't made, but the kids were all reading PhD comics and cracking up. Well, my dad gets pissed and yells at us to shut up, it's pretty annoying...i'm pretty sure some tears built up again, but what can i do about it. i get to see my siblings twice a year for an overall average of two weeks...try to fit everything into that tiny amount of time...

To all of my readers...none

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 02:53:21 GMT

i decided to update! I love the fact that i keep this online journal more for myself than for anyone else, since no one else reads it, and since i do keep it for myself, i decided to write as if i were writing in my own journal...surprisingly enough i rarely use names in my actual journal (which i do have) in case someone happesn upon it...i don't use code names either, i'm not that cool.

so, basically the weekend was amazing.
Thursday: watched the awkwardest movie ever created, or at least in the top ten awkwardest movies ever created...yet somehow, the ending made up for it all. I mean i was annoyed, but i could relate to most of it (no, not to the sketchy kid that kept jacking off), but like to the ideas of it, it was just very realistic. Then i talked to emily for like an hour about stuff, nothing incredibly deep, my brain was already in weekend mode.
Friday: i sat at home with my mom most of the day, hanging out with her, watching tv and doing homework, it was very relaxing...i also woke up at like nine, but i had stayed up to watch the parent trap. Then i went to Anishi's birthday party which was incredibly fun...HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANISHI!
Saturday: did homework, went to Alyssa's to work on the poetry project (I have 25 lines memorized!) then came home and probably did more homework. I feel like i did something Saturday night, but it's probably more that we worked until like 6 and it was pitch black when i left her house...i probably did some homework when i got back.
Sunday: Prozdor was amazing, no doubt, i love the bus ride to Prozdor and the bus ride back...it's always entertaining beyond any belief, but cannot be retold because it's in the moment. we watched the ending of a really sad movie that made me cry and then we talked about the book which i love! i saw tamar in core and i haven't seen her in the longest time because she hasn't been there for a while, we still talked about torture in core and Rabbi E's class was surprisingly structured. Then i got home, and believe it or not, did homework.

i would like to state that about 60 or 70% of the homework done this weekend was for english for which i have to read 1984, a 330 page book in about 4 days...i wouldn't mind so much if i hadn't gotten about 3 weeks to read Lord of the Flies which is about 130 pages long.

today, however, was a nightmare.
I get to school all happy with a pretty blue shirt that has cute little bunnies all over it and i was happy, as i said. I got to the library and sat down with Esther and Emily, got a copy of the chem answers and all, i was happy. Then we get to english, i am still happy, then she gives us back our essays, not quite so happy, but i knew i would get a lower grade on this paper when i got my last paper back, so it was no surprise (even though it was annoying because i made some really stupid mistakes and i spent like twice as much time on this essay). However, then she goes to check homework, i did english homework for about 6 hours this weekend, so i wasn't initially worried, but of course she checks the homework that (a. i wasn't sure existed, b. i didn't do. and c. about 85% of the class didn't do either). However, the first person she checked did do it, and when questioned as to how she knew to do it, she said that the teacher told us to...i.e. 85% of the class is now in a murderous mood, well, i am, and i would think that 85% of the class would be too. Then we are informed that we have to do even more homework tonight, on top of the readings we have to do all the paper corrections (which we get no points back for) and if we didn't do the homework that 85% of the class didn't do, we could write her a little paragraph about it and she might consider giving us partial homework credit...ummmmm, yea. History was not so bad except that Medini wasn't there and she won't be there tomorrow either and that the test is now on the same day as the math test and i have math right after history, but most of the fumes were still from English and Steege did a good job of letting me relax. Math was amazing mostly because DION WAS BACK, and we did like nothing today, just sat there and talked and talking is what i missed the most when Noeth was teaching, so i'm happy over all, in math that is. Spanish, woot there's a quiz tomorrow, random? tell me about it. However, i have an A average in that class so i'm good. C Prog um term test tomorrow, shit! that's about it. i spent my lunch period and seventh period doing my chem prelab, and i wasn't getting distracted either, however i am still not done...between Murphree and Anthony i have no life. Chem: Tim now sits next to me and Steph moved to the front, i.e. i am surrounded by guys, most of whom are asian...the only one who isn't has an A in the class so we're gonna consider him asian.

so i came home and did homework, don't you love that?! then i went to hebrew school which was amazingly fun and amusing and a great way to spend an hour away from homework.

then i came home and looked over some stuff and decided that it was time to update...the following segment was typed in hebrew and may not show up properly on your computer but i have to get this out:
אני מאוהבת בפיל. הוא מצחיק, וחמוד, ונחמד, והכל, ואני כמעט בטוחה שהוא לא מרגיש ככה כלפאי, אבל אני כל כך נהינת כשהוא בסביבה והוא תמיד מצליח לשמח אותי. זהו